Have you ever said you would do something, on one condition? Meaning that you will do it but, it has to be the way you want it to be. For example; I will work for you, as long as you pay me well. I will make dinner for you, as long as you clean up. I will be your friend, as long as you agree with me. I will be in a relationship with you, as long as I am right. Conditions have terms of contract. Conditions have boundaries and a limitations. We think a condition supports us, but why?
The sun, the moon, the stars shine unconditionally, do you?
The conditional relationship.
Okay, so let's start with the 'conditional' relationship. As long as you behave the way I want you to, I will express my love for you. Do the wrong thing, and I will withdraw. This friendship, marriage, relationship has its limitations. It is based on the conditions that have been provided. There is a picture we have of how the relationship should be and the judgement we have around how the relationship should proceed. The relationship is measured, based on what we feel is right or wrong. But what if this conditional way of being prevents us from having the true relationship that is there for us?
The unconditional relationship.
So, often we hear the term 'unconditional love' in reference to our offspring. No matter how our children behave we say 'I love you unconditionally' meaning, I love you no matter what you do or say or how you are. The 'love' is non judgemental and absolute. The way we feel for this person is without exception. We could say we connect to the very essence of them and everything that is presented beyond this, never gets in the way of the purity of the love. This doesn't mean we accept abuse and bad behaviour but more despite of this. The unconditional love of a mother is based on the knowing of the child.
On one Condition.
Conditional love and relationships are measured and tiresome. They come prepackaged with the do and don'ts and they have a 'use by' date. Limited and predicable, they include a lot of rules.
Let's break it down a little and look at the 'friendship' group of conditions...
Meet; Conditions sister, Judgement.
When we judge we critique or punish others. It can be based on what we think is right and wrong and it can be so ingrained that we hardly know we are doing it.
The difference between the conditional and unconditional relationship is the judgement that we have. When we judge another we are saying 'provided you don't do that thing that I disapprove of, I will love you.' We feel we have the right to judge because we may be better at something or have experienced something in a different way. We also often judge if we have placed judgement on ourselves.
May I introduce Conditions cousin, Expectations.
We can have an expectation that another person understands us or loves us a certain way. We can expect another to communicate in a certain way, have the same beliefs, ideals, thoughts, pictures about how life should be. These expectations limit our willingness to allow others to get to things in their own time, wake up to their own thoughts and reflections. We assume we know better. We place a time frame on the evolution of another being. Expecting another person to behave in a certain way retards the deepening of the relationship, as it puts a limit on the fluidity, evolution and flow.
Have you met Pictures? She is the best friend of Conditions.
Having a picture of how someone should behave, sure does block the potential for the natural unfoldment of the relationship. We have heard of the term 'smash the picture' but what does that actually mean? Dropping the idea that we have of how it should be, 'it' being the relationship, the life, the idea. Loosening the reigns, letting go of the grip we have around thinking we know what is next.
The fewer pictures we have, the greater the opportunity to see more.
The cousins of Conditions are of course, Right and wrong.
I am right about that. Yes we all know this one! Even when we are wrong we know we are right about being wrong. In the end, being right cannot be true if the quality of our expression is judgemental and locked in. Right and wrong will never get you any where. They are on the same scale, for a start. Sliding back and forth the I am right and you are wrong see-saw has us in the illusion that we are getting somewhere. In the end, judgement is buried deeply in this way of thinking and prevents us from deeply understanding and listening to the perception of another.
When we drop the conditions, what do we have before us?
Standards hold us steady and have a quality
about them that is uncompromising and sacred.
Knowing your own standards, when it comes to the quality
of your life and body, is your mecca point.
Living your own standards is different to conditions and rules.
Standards have no judgement or exceptions.
Standards are held, rules are bound.
Meet Values, the sister to Standards
When we value another or ourselves and the way we feel, we let go of all right and wrong, conditions, ideals, pictures and expectations. The value is felt and the essence of the person is felt, regardless of their behaviours. Without judgement, we can value another and the purity of their heart and soul.
Standards and Observations are beautiful friends
They work together allowing the quality of standards to be felt whilst holding steady and non judgemental towards others. Observing is true love. It asks that we hold another in the warmth of that love without a flicker of judgement. Without conditions.
Standards is in love with Freedom ❤︎
And why wouldn't she be? Freedom is the ability to be unbound and unhinged from being right or wrong, pictures, judgement, expectations, you get the drift. Freedom of conditions loosens the reigns and allows us to simply surrender, enjoy the essence of another and let the 'act' go.
So in the end the difference between conditional and unconditional love is simply the allowing of another person to be where they are at in their own space and without judgement. You don't have to love a behaviour to love a person.
Conditions simply block us from the joy of connecting to others. The essence of all people is pure. The rest is simply the mask that we wear to prevent the world from seeing who we truly are.